In the beginning was the word.......

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"She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon."

That, dear readers, was the winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2004, where "entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels". Click here to see the runners-up, winners of the 'It was a dark and stormy night' category as well as the dishonorable mentions and unintentional submissions, which include such gems as "The knife handle jutted from her chest like one of the plastic pop-up timers in a frozen turkey, but from the blood pooling around the wound, it was apparent that this bird wasn't done." and "After several minutes, Detective Wilson, standing over the lifeless, tuxedo-clad corpse, the spandex tights it had been strangled with still around its neck, realized that the poor ringmaster had simply been a victim of circus dancers." And, my dear D, I dare you not to splutter over this one:

"Where to hide?" was Ovinia's only thought as she raced madly across the field outside Aberdeen and up a grassy incline, frantically seeking escape from the man who was hell-bent on possessing her, on making her his and his alone, having succumbed to her beauty, drawn into near madness by the watery depths of her brown eyes and lured by the exotic perfume of lanolin and newly-mown hay which wafted from her thick coat as she grazed."

I've also decided that should you, dear readers, decide you are capable of better, please post your submissions. I shall even declare a winner and bestow upon him/her a suitable reward which I have not yet thought about, but it will be something appropriate.

3 Responses to “In the beginning was the word.......”

  1. Blogger Fence 

    Okay, those are great. My fav is the undone bird, because the one about Ovinia is just plain surreal, and not in a good way lol.

  2. Blogger LiVEwiRe 

    Oh my. Now, I will have to try this... although I'm not sure I will make my creation public. I'm still laughing...

  3. Blogger Luke 

    I started reading the first excerpt and thought, "Oh my word, what has happened to fm? .. he's gone all loopy"

    Then I realised what was afoot.
    This post is so funny. I'm still trying to get my head around the Ovinia one ...

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